"All this that is more than a wish is a memory"
Being jaded means putting that object in void or unattainable to the person which who makes the choice to give up on what once made them happy. Now as individuals we should never give up on that which makes us happy, nor should we pay or expect its future, nor should we dwindle in the past of its existence. And never should we resort to bad past as a present default for a current feeling thought or reason. No one can predict the future, and no one can change the past. Everyone has a choice, though the world may deceive us time and time again, all we are is flesh and blood and all we have is the moment you are reading this. The choice is to be happy or not in this moment. That is the key to "jaded" words like True Love. I'm happy now that I'm happy, and I'm happy you're beautiful, never forget that with or without me.
Friday, March 18, 2016
Along a dark road, I sit and await your arrival. I don’t know where you have been this whole time, but it must be somewhere safe. Those eyes come closer and shine to me. My eyes I cut with foggy glass only to see clearer than before. I am not aware of your presence as I drink the night away. I am not someone’s allegory of a beautiful future. I am no savior. I sit beside the side walk and like you I am stuck in the delusional thing we call love. I wait and wait for something to happen, but it never does. I wake and cease the day with hopes and dreams of your arrival but you never come. You never will. I take each breath in knowing that, and bowing my head to some untainted god, wishing that only you would have the knowledge that I exist. I implore myself into you. I see the light from your eyes, and I wouldn’t want me either. Not after all this. Not after the bomb went off, and I stuck to higher grounds, while you surged the sea. You reign of some divine substance that I cannot consume. I cannot take in. I am not the person you see fit, nor do I. Distance is where I roam, searching for that next breath of fresh air. When it will come, I’ll be stooping low on my feet dwindling in the vast essence of the past. You will be loved, somewhere else far away. Untouchable. Unreachable. Not tainted by my simple hands. And I will go through with what is another one of these play ground delusions. I’ll spring in my step and rejoice in the fact that you will become a shell to me. Exterior. Something of the past that has no meaning as of now. Yet as time creeps on at this moment you are nothing but whole. You are lingering in my mouth as I inhale. I take a step back and memories flood in detail. All of which you broadcast your entire being into me. On top of me, fucking me. There was something there, was there not? It’s the meaning that will fade not the past. And when it does I’ll be bright and chipper waiting on the side lines for my ride to freedom. As of now, I am stuck here, with you in my head. Dreaming of a touch. Dreaming of a bastard tomorrow, which will never come. Because you will never see what I saw. And your words before jump through my head. As I had explained I lived in a road where I was everyone’s savior. I was some god forbidden goddess stuck in their blurry dreams. Do you recall? When I said nothing, and yet a portrait was painted of me, those who say I am the one and only. The love. The light. I would nod and laugh. I would watch them fall short of what I wanted. And now somehow I have become that. Without a word you have captured me and made me some creature, of those I so destroyed. Reluctantly I call out for you. Reluctantly I admit, you still hold something dear to me. Why? Am not what I use to despise? What brought us great laughter at the night as we would speak of the past? I am burdened by your being, not forever, yet I feel the thought of losing such a love is which would make life not possible to live. And I hold you dear to me. Though you’re so happily living in the real world. I hold you dear. I will keep holding, until the tide washes me back to sea.
Saturday, September 28, 2013
“Last night I had a dream”
“It always starts off like that. Don’t be an idiot.” She sips her coffee, it’s too hot, you can tell by look of her face. Some of her brown hair falls down and lands lightly on the side of the mug as she holds it to her mouth and blows. She was only thirteen, but the man with her was 12 years her elder. He was her mentor for school. It was something they both didn’t want to do, but could get credit for. They had nothing in common. Fredrick was a short almost pudgy fellow with golden hair that curled. His hair amplified his head making him seem bigger than he really was. Laura on the other hand was a blossoming beauty, her lips perfect size for her small yet curvy frame. She hated these meetings with Fredrick, but had to endure them once a week. It had been eight weeks now at the coffee shop, every morning before school, they were to discuss mathematics, yet Laura refused to do so.
“So this dream you had.” Her coffee had cooled and she was now casually sipping, while lightly kicking her back pack underneath the table.
“It was about my parents again.” Fredrick had tea, he never drank coffee, though over the past couple of months Laura had done her best to persuade him to do so.
“Theses dreams you have about your parents are weird.”
“I know, do you think there is something wrong with me?”
“Most likely , but you’re just trying to put it off.”
“Put what off?”
“It’s the 18th remember?”
“Oh yeah right.” Fredrick had a nervous twitch, which he took medication for. Now he needed it the most. Over the past weeks they had been talking about their parents. How they were raised and what kind of environment, produced two such people. It had been Laura’s idea to play the role of mother and father. Fredrick wasn’t exactly sure what he was getting himself into, considering Laura’s upbringing was one filled with pain and suffering. Her parents were too poor to feed her. Her father molesting her constantly until the mother caught them both. That’s when Laura began to fail on her school work and needed a tutor. Fredrick had come from a very strict Catholic family. He attended church regularly, and his parents had spoiled him since the day he was born. He was an only child, Laura on the other hand, had 4 brothers all younger than her.
“Hello, I’m Mrs. Elizabeth Ronald.” Laura’s face brightened and she put her hand to her chest as she stared at Fredrick. He looked around to see if anyone was watching, but the small tables outside the coffee shop were empty, maybe that’s why she had picked this place, maybe this was all a set up, still Fredrick didn’t mind. Laura was beautiful, the thick hair she had seemed to almost glow as it fell past her shoulders. Her skin was tight and tanned and curved in all the right places. It had seemed she was a grown women to him, yet only because of the time they had spent together.
“We can’t do this, I won’t let you do this.” Laura’s face turned sour with his rejection of her idea.
“You promised me.”
“You know where, of course not here.” Laura looked at her watch and then at Fredrick.
“We have two hours, let’s just leave now, so we have time.” The agreement was that Fredrick would act as Laura’s Father, and Laura would act as his mother, a very strict non sexual woman who would be raped. Laura was a virgin. In the past she had tried to conger up her first sexual experience. She would dream about what it would be like and how handsome the man would be, this was before the molestation, before she became so beautiful that even her own father couldn’t resist, yet she had never had intercourse. She began to throw her dreams of sex down the toilet, and wanted the first time to be with someone who she could control. She wanted to dominate, then be degraded by rape. With her father she had never fought back, and just accepted that he would touch her, taste her and sometimes ejaculate on her. She never told anyone, except Fredrick.
“I didn’t mind it. Can you believe that?”
“Didn’t mind what?”
“Yeah I know, I will be him for you Laura.” Fredrick was also a virgin though he was 25. He had begun fantasying about Laura almost immediately after their third or fourth visit. He became even more obsessed with Laura after she had confessed what her father had done. Fredrick wasn’t a pretty guy. He had pimples that dotted his face. They were disgustingly red and it had looked like someone had shot him with a bb gun over and over. His body type was out of proportion with his head, skinny in some places fat in others. He did have one blessing he knew Laura would like, and that was his dick. It was a good 9 inches when hard, and the thought of that made him smile.
“Let’s go then.” Frederick got into his small mini coop. It was just a present he got from his mother for no reason what so ever. He was constantly getting these presents and it never struck him as odd before he met Laura. Laura got in the passenger seat and closed her eyes.
“Wait.” He turned on the car but kept it in park.
“Are you sure no one knows about this place?”
“Yeah when my parents bought the house, they were not informed of basement. It was under my bed, that’s how I found it.”
“Yes, but how do you KNOW they don’t know?”
“Because, my mother had bitched about wanting a basement and wanting to move, she hates the house.”
“OK just double checking.” He put the car in reverse and backed up quickly throwing Laura’s head back and then forward.
“Drive safe please.”
“I will” Frederick said with a smile on his face.
They pulled up to house. It seemed to Laura that the driveway alone could be its own road. It was long and led to a large home, that she thought resembled the white house.
“Is there anyone in there?” She said as he parked the car in front of his house.
“Not now, the maids won’t come until 10 and Elizabeth and Frank are at work.”
Laura was starting to get nervous as Frederick got out then stared at her through the window. She was almost ready to back out of the whole plan, but as she looked at Fredrick’s ugly fat face, she decided to go forward and opened the car door slowly.
The pebbles under her feet made a crunching noise as she walked to the main entrance to Fredrick’s house. She held his hand lightly, as they made their way inside. It was beautifully decorated with art of naked men and women, the ceiling was vaulted and in the center hung some sort of vintage chandelier , that served no purpose at all. She tightened her grip, the house was making her uneasy.
“Ah so this is your life.”
“Let’s just hurry up and go to my bedroom, you have school soon, and I don’t want to get in trouble.”
“Your right. Lets race! I’ll follow you!” Laura’s childlike essence had Fredrick in a trance, he loved it when she said or did something dumb. He became intoxicated with the smell of her youth, as she would sometimes see him after playing a game of soccer, or volleyball. He had never liked young girls before, it was only Laura who had him interested. He was tutor in the past to other youths, none of which he felt any sort of attraction for. It was only Laura and his heart began to pound as she ran from room to room, trying to find his. He ran with her, then past her opening a door and letting her in to his most private area. His bedroom.
“This place stinks, and why don’t you have any poster’s up or any decorations, like the rest of the house?”
“Because I’m not into art Laura, but my room doesn’t smell, I just had it cleaned yesterday.” The smell was that of floral essence, something Laura had only smelt at department stores in the candle isle. There was a full size bed with dark blue blankets in the middle of the room. Also there was a closet, and another door Laura had assumed was the bathroom, besides that the place was empty. This made her a bit uncomfortable.
“Just move the bed and let’s do this.” He didn’t have move the bed much. The entrance to the basement was close to the wall, so he only scooted the bed down about a foot. Under his bed was a rug he had glued to the door. When he opened it, there was only a square of darkness.
“This is creepy, like a movie or something.” Fredrick smiled at this remark.
“Don’t worry it’s not that dark down there, but I put a twin bed in there for us. You will really like it, I swear. I’ll go down first if it makes you feel better and turn on the light so you can see your way down.”
“Yep. OK you go.” Fredrick climbed down the stairs and faded into the darkness. Laura looked down after him and smiled as the light deep down came on and she could see the latter.
“Ok I’m coming down, make the bed.” She screamed through the small entrance. She walked to the edge of the bed and pushed as hard as she could until it was over the entrance and almost against the wall. She crawled under the bed, and opened the door to the basement back up, then slid her small body through and began her decent down the latter. When in the basement, she noticed a variety of things that made her want to gag. There was a dildo, some lube, and some porn on the small TV in the corner. Also on the wooden coffee table he had laid out magazines, and rope (her request) and condoms. Fredrick jumped in the small bed and smiled.
“Take off your clothes Fredrick, I mean Mr.Paul Freiman.” She smiled and Fredrick took off every inch of clothing he had on. He laid on the bed sideways letting his limp dick drop down. Even soft, Laura’s eyes lit up with amazement at the size of it. She took off her shirt and bra. Her hair dropped as she had some of pinned up, she had let it free by releasing a bobby pin which she put in her pocket. Fredricks dick became hard and Laura smiled as she approached him.
“I’m Elizabeth, and I want you Paul, but I must tie you up first. I want to ease yourself in me.” Trying not to get out of character, Fredrick laid on his back and let Laura tie his ankles and wrists up. This wasn’t the same scenario they had planned out, but as her nipples grazed his skin, he was more than willing to be tied up.
“Oh Elizabeth what are you doing?”
“I know this wrong Paul, but we must. I need to own you. Paul you have been a very bad man. You need to be punished.” Fredrick was liking the voice she was using, it sounded a bit deeper, more sexual, she seemed older.
“It was a mistake Elizabeth, I couldn’t help myself the girl was so beautiful, my dick couldn’t handle it. I needed to show her.” After completely tying him up, Laura stepped back and laughed.
“You are blessed I see.” Fredrick’s naked body was appalling to Laura, but his penis was target, not the body as a whole.
“You know what I’m going to do?” Fredrick’s face lit up but he was confused as to why she was speaking out of character.
“Fuck me?” Laura reached in her pocket and pulled something out, hiding it as she knelt down right next to his still hard dick.
“I’m gonna blow you.” Fredrick was confused but pleased. He closed his eyes and laid his head back. Laura lightly touched his penis, running her finger from the tip to the start of his balls. She grabbed them with her small hands and put eight rubber bands around them.
“What are you doing Elizabeth?” Fredrick said trying to stay in character, after all that’s what she wanted.
“Oh dear Paul, I am making you pay for what you did.” She lightly slapped his penis.
“Elizabeth you are teasing me, and you are making me suffer so very much, please get this torture over with.” Fredrick’s balls were starting to hurt, though his penis remained hard, the rubber bands were very tight and it felt as if someone were squeezing them hard. Laura began to laugh, and Fredrick smiled at her.
“Oh Paul.” She started to suck his penis, and Fredrick moaned. She could handle it. All of him in her throat, not gagging, or teething, he started to wonder if she had done this before. Though his balls were nearly numb, he began to feel as though an orgasm was coming. He moaned and Laura stopped.
“Shut up Paul, you’ve been bad, very fucking bad.” She looked around the room and found some duck tape. Fredrick thought he was in heaven, and allowed her to tape his mouth shut.
“Now let’s try this again.” She said slapping his thighs. She grabbed at his balls which had changed color by now, and squeezed hard, Fredrick made a slight movement, but nothing to the extent of which would show he was in pain. Laura slid his dick down her throat again. Fredrick wanted to cry out, but he couldn’t. After about 10 mins of Laura playing with his dick, he began to wonder why he couldn’t come. He wanted to tell her that they needed to leave but couldn’t because of the tape. Laura was holding something in her hand something she had grabbed from her back pocket, he thought maybe it was a condom. She began sucking and licking it again, and Fredrick closed his eyes. She began using her tiny hands to stroke his penis.
“You’ve been so bad. I’m only 13 you know.” She was out of character and Fredrick opened his eyes immediately beginning to feel helpless.
“Paul, you have to pay for what you have done.” She said it using her normal voice and Fredrick felt sting of pain coming from his balls. He wanted to cry out and stop her, he didn’t know what was going on, but his dick remained pointed towards the ceiling. With one hand Laura had begun slice away at the tip of the skin of his balls. She was using a razor blade, and wanted to see inside of the package which all men held. She straddled Fredrick, and he became alarmed with the feel of warm fluid under his ass.
“Paul I’m going to put it in now.” The combination of pain and pleasure was too much for him, he pulled at his restraints, but without success, he was trapped. Laura slid on to his dick with her back towards him. She had cut a straight line across his balls, and was peeling away the skin to see what was inside. Nothing but blood and mass of tissue, she decided just to cut the whole thing off. Fredrick couldn’t feel anything. Though he saw her slowly riding up and down, he wondered why his penis had become almost completely numb.
His penis was starting to go limp inside of her, the blood was beginning to pool and travel in river, she knew he would know soon his destiny, so she took the covers and bunched them up where his balls use to be. She let herself slide off of his dick and she stood before him. He looked down and began to panic, his eyes wide with terror.
“Paul why do you think those covers are red? Oh that’s right you can’t speak to me. Paul you need not fuck little girls or they may hurt you. They may hurt you bad. There shouldn’t be anymore of you Paul, I made sure of that.” But Paul had passed out. Laura shrugged and untied him then looked at his body. He would certainly die with all the blood loss. That she was sure of, but she did want him to fuck her. To be the naughty person he was. For a moment she wished she would have given him a chance. She looked about the room and found a picture hanging up with a naked blonde spreading her legs. She ripped the picture off and pulled the nail from the wall. She was going to stick it in his penis and leave him. That was the plan, at least, until she turned around to see Fredrick standing pale and confused in front of her. Laura panicked and dropped the nail frozen in her position. He tore the bandage from his mouth and looked down.
“You thought I would let you live?” Fredrick said with a smile on his face. Laura’s body began to shake viciously, and she edged her way to the door. Fredrick grabbed her wrist and threw her on the bed. She hit the wall hard and began to see stars. Fredrick walked over with a knife in his hand.
“They will fucking catch you” Laura screamed as she tried to get out of bed. Fredrick jumped on top of her, and held her down.
“Don’t care Laura. I don’t care anymore. I’m . . .” But he was getting dizzy and she could feel the blood drip down between her thighs. He shook his head and held her down with one hand. With his right hand he put the knife to her vagina, and slowly pushed it in.
“How does it feel” He mumbled, looking as though he had taken some sort of drug. Laura began screaming and kicking, but Fredrick held strong until the knife was all the way in. He began to push it in and out, letting it cut her tender insides. After four or five time’s he threw the hunting knife to the ground and put his penis inside of her. She was screaming so loud, that Fredrick thought he would lose his hearing. He let go of one of her hands and she began to beat him, as he tried to shut her up. As Fredrick fucked her, his mind became filled with the fantasy of the two together, consensual, loving, romantic type of love making. When he opened his eyes he saw nothing but white, and his head began to fade to black. He was going to orgasm, or so he thought.
Laura pushed his body off of hers, and let him lay flat on the floor, still bleeding all over the place she smiled. She took his knife and put duck tape back on his mouth, then a piece on each eye. She was bleeding but not as badly as he was. With a black marker she drew over the duck tape that went from ear to ear. A smile. Then for the eyes two X’s. She took the knife which held her own blood and cut deep in her drawling. If Frederick were to wake up, he would be blind mute. She thought it was a nice finishing touch. Slowly she stripped of her clothes and tried to wipe all the blood off of herself. She climbed the latter and left Fredrick laying peacefully on the floor. She jumped in the shower on the lower level, and put on a pair of extra clothes from her backpack. Her vagina wasn’t bleeding as bad as she thought so she just put a pad on lining her underwear. She looked at her watch.
“Fuck” She said to herself.
“I’m going to be late again.”
Thursday, April 11, 2013
Evolutionary Brain Development tells us that knowledge is based off of the expansion of the frontal lobe of the brain, giving us smoother flatter features, and suggests that knowledge is gained by evolving ones brain in expansion to the frontal lobe, which is in charge of prediction of future events, vast variety of hypothesis of what is to come, and also oddly enough human gesture, reaction and action to each other and human speech. Also this brings into play that one can assume (given the this proven statement) That the more socialized a species the more brain volume a species has. Thus if our own frontal lobes are evolving and we are becoming better at predicting, communicating, making and understanding gestures and speech, we become more efficient at socializing, and getting along with one another or at least predicting one anothers outcome enough to understand the way things work, thus we are evolving at a highly fast rate then before, one where we can't even rightly define the word knowledge, though we have far pasted text book knowledge. We now have no threat to reproduction and therefore can instantly give each other shorten versions of important bits of information that satisfy our evolutionary needs, things like sex, drugs, food, indulgence become our primary focus and information regarding these things our natural instinct It may sound like we are regressing or are stale and not evolving naturally, but in fact we are evolving just the way we are suppose to. Why do children play games? To predict and win. That's the cycle predict and win. We evolve so do our games, but never the one variable that pushes us forward, that is to better understand your surroundings with action, touch, speech gesture, and predictions. The more we grow the more we will become more understanding of each others actions. Once we understand each other as people and not just as mates we begin to break away the ties of the past e.i. male and female traditional role. We break many traditions as we become more evolved. There is no longer a threat to our species surviving therefore we become less and less jealous, or should i say concentrated on jealousy. This spawns all kinds of things, because there is no evolutionary pull to reproduce we begin to blur our own sexuality and identities forming illusions of what supposedly is right or wrong as a society as a whole. What do you do when a society of people evolve so fast that the old can not understand the young at all. The views of the evolved from the less evolved will cite them wrong, when really there is no evolutionary understanding. Hence old people tend to dislike, have distaste for, or simply can not comprehend gays and lesbians. The truth is the youth have evolved and adapted to living without necessary times of tradition and harshness to survive. There is a bigger understanding and a larger since of awareness as to what the future is to hold, where as with those old there is no secure since of a repetitive life of reproducing and hard work to maintain the life line of the homo sapiens This is no longer needed and becomes obsolete in the futures of the children. This hypothesis is a bit of a worrisome one. To assume that, no matter what, the future generation will continue to evolve and no matter the influence tradition will die, it is only right for those hung up on tradition to become frightened of the future. However now that race, sexuality, and not even gender can hold us to ties of past traditions and are simply becoming cliche' and obsolete, one must wonder what next will crumble, and what have the new generation gained in this remarkable change of identity of self and others? Will things like pride, love (for ones self, and more importantly one another), understanding, friendship, and companionship heighten at an unbelievable rate? Will our evolved brains recognize this beautiful opportunity and work harder on a general purpose of living happy and understanding to one another? Or will the youth simply let the old traditions tear them down into what they (the less evolved) believe is wrong, crying out "Mental Illness" when truly we are becoming more of ourselves than ever.
Friday, December 21, 2012
Run then tower and hide in the fierce dawn of braised shadow of nothing. Nothing high and low and all of what beams you, is not what kind hearts once told you. So long ago when the earth was flat and you had a brain to make faces glow red in the moonlight for you and only you. Run down the steps of the lonely you knew it was to get this far once cherished now outdated. And the story of one lost body begins. She was beautiful. She knew this as everyone would pierce her damaged ears with blabbers of her silhouette. And how she arose perfection with a simple turn. The people would stare. If the times were right they would bow but she’s trapped in the modern day. Something disgusting rumbled inside her, like a friend she wished a foe, “just go away” she muttered and the people moved on continuing their own life leaving poor Victory an isolated statue filled with grief. If you could relax it would be suicide for that something that kept her heart pumping also filled her anxious mornings and bitter nights. She laid by the lake where she knew she would be only with herself. That self she had grown to hate, and with the most logical reason at that. Her reflection was off, she recognized it for it’s repetitive presence but nothing further than that. Not that of old friend, a grand lover, or close companion, but that of an ugly stranger feasting on hate in the night. “Hate in the night?” A woman approached an old decrypted woman whose skin fell too far from the bone and hair pulled too tight to have such a mess surrounding it. She wore the rags of a wedding dress, Victory’s dress, from years ago. This woman smiled revealing her lack of teeth and the smell that lingered off her made Victory’s throat go tight. She pulled her head back from the water to which she looked and spoke in a most important voice, despite her past thoughts of self loathing. “Who are you woman and why are you here? You’re making me sick just by sight.” “Dear Victory” and she coughed or so it was a hacking that Victory only thought birds could do. “Come now Victory” The woman moved closer, maybe ten feet from where Victory sat. “Leave” Victory said sternly “Leave at once! You hag, you nothing close to me and you never will be.” “But oh Victory if you only knew.” The woman spat as she talked. “See hear you dirty, filthy, rats nest of a person. You will never be close to me in beauty or perfection, nor will I ever even come as close to associating myself with you. I am above you in every way and I’m not afraid of having your life spared so mine can go on. Do you hear me?” She nodded but spoke once more. “How old are you?” “excuse me?” Victory moved away from the water as the woman now approached her only feet away and Victory had to hold her breath as the smell of rotting mold consumed her nose. “My girl you have spat out your insides and driven them into lake and from there I was born and like my dying outsides so you will become.” Victory wanted to run. Truly she turned her back and like they say at the last minute of her suicide her heart felt full of regret, but the years of her misery had stood there holding the gun in those old wrinkled hateful hands and she was found the next day by young boys playing by the lake an unfortunate suicide of wasted dreams.
Because I love you . . . I slept the day away. A loving lust a deaths decay And every angle, in every way What tighten lips won’t dare to say The hour is fierce in dreams my dear What lovers quarrels seem to fear That lovers time to end is near And distance makes the hearts grow queer You’re the queen of the hour, a showcase display And biting nails to cease the day Lust drained down as you fight to play You’ve seen the truth but you’ll look away Screaming out that lie by night From whence the center of the fight That broke the silence in the night That all was wrong and nothing right You drew the breath and took the chance And threw away fairy-tale romance For something you could find balance For someone else, with whom, you dance